No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
