Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
