Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
