He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
