im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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