You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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