I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
