the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
