Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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