My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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