dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize