Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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