Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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