guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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