I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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