you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize