3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You had me at "let me see your balls"
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
