I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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