you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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