You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
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