Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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