he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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