we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
