My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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