I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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