Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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