literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize