i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
