another moral hangover. fuck.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i drank out of a bidet.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
