the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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