so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
