the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I love you. Go after that dick
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
