I'll bet she douches with gravy.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
