I accidentally burped into my bong.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Randomize
