Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
