Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
