I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize