saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
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