Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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