why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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