I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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