Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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