So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
