im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
