Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
