i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
