Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
