After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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