so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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