I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Who did Billy Mays play for?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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