Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
