Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
