we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Someone came in the potted fern
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
