the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
