Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
